So a few hours ago, I came across these ted-talks by a woman named Brene Brown. I have the habit of watching emotional videos, crying a lot and then not being able to fall asleep.
Tonight was one such night.
After shutting down my laptop, I realized I hadn't been able to shut down my brain.
I lay in bed, thinking, what am I ashamed of, and the answers came rushing to my mind. I started to think about how vulnerable I am, and how I feel about it. Tears rushing down my face, snot dripping out of my nose and antibiotics coursing through my blood, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I received a phone call from the guy I have been seeing and all these thoughts, along with some of my ever present thoughts on life, death, suicide and depression seemed to be circling my puny little head and the conversation started heating up. Now this is a boy who loves cars and women, he cannot even think of the idea of being vulnerable. Here I am, the most vulnerable creature I know, standing stark naked waiting for someone to join me and dance with me. Through the years I have found companions who seem to be the right fit, but later prove to be illusions, either they have deluded me or I have deluded myself. Because of these recurring failures in the sphere of relationships, not only romantic but simple friendships as well, I decided that it is better for me to be alone. Adding to this idea was my extreme sense of shame. I am ashamed of many things I have done and that have been done to me. There are certain times I can stop it from showing but slowly I start exposing myself, I open the book and usually when I do they shut it back up. No one wants to read such an unhappy story. People want rainbows, butterflies, hope and unicorns. I offer them dark and dingy alleyways with homeless men sleeping in their own pee.
I don't know the point of this post. I don't know the point of many posts that I write. But here it is.
I write this, knowing that I have to wake up in bout 4.5 hours, get ready for college and write a freaking assignment in class which I am sure to not do well on.
Life.
Tonight was one such night.
After shutting down my laptop, I realized I hadn't been able to shut down my brain.
I lay in bed, thinking, what am I ashamed of, and the answers came rushing to my mind. I started to think about how vulnerable I am, and how I feel about it. Tears rushing down my face, snot dripping out of my nose and antibiotics coursing through my blood, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I received a phone call from the guy I have been seeing and all these thoughts, along with some of my ever present thoughts on life, death, suicide and depression seemed to be circling my puny little head and the conversation started heating up. Now this is a boy who loves cars and women, he cannot even think of the idea of being vulnerable. Here I am, the most vulnerable creature I know, standing stark naked waiting for someone to join me and dance with me. Through the years I have found companions who seem to be the right fit, but later prove to be illusions, either they have deluded me or I have deluded myself. Because of these recurring failures in the sphere of relationships, not only romantic but simple friendships as well, I decided that it is better for me to be alone. Adding to this idea was my extreme sense of shame. I am ashamed of many things I have done and that have been done to me. There are certain times I can stop it from showing but slowly I start exposing myself, I open the book and usually when I do they shut it back up. No one wants to read such an unhappy story. People want rainbows, butterflies, hope and unicorns. I offer them dark and dingy alleyways with homeless men sleeping in their own pee.
I don't know the point of this post. I don't know the point of many posts that I write. But here it is.
I write this, knowing that I have to wake up in bout 4.5 hours, get ready for college and write a freaking assignment in class which I am sure to not do well on.
Life.
