I left my sister with four of her friends, two boys and three girls all together. 15 and 16 years old. They were on the right side of the stage in the front. The opening act hadn't even started yet.
I went with my friends to check out the bar and the food stalls. After five minutes I ran back to tell her I would be back in fifteen and to stay where she is.
My friends and I looked around, got some drinks and went back to where I left her. The opening act had started and people had started forming a huge crowd.
I looked around and couldn't find her.
Panic overwhelmed me.
I burst into tears. I was sobbing like I had never sobbed before in my life. The only thing I could relate it to is the part in The Iliad when Achilles sobs after finding out that Patroclus is dead. I couldn't control myself. My friends were worried. I finished my drink, threw my glass down and pushed my way through the crowd.
There were so many humans, pushing against each other. Jumping up and down. I couldn't see her anywhere.
I came back out of the crowd. I went looking. I was in a daze, tears kept pouring down my contorted face. People stared and looked at me funny.
I took out my phone and tried calling her multiple times. There was no service. I called her friend's number, no luck. I kept sending texts hoping one would go through. All this while walking around crying and screaming out.
I ran into a friend, literally ran into him and he had to hold me up. I was crying so much, in a state of panic and anxiety. All I wanted was to find her. They all said it would be okay and that she would be fine but I didn't care, I couldn't deal with them so I asked them to leave me alone.
I went into the crowd four more times, I shoved, I screamed, I elbowed everyone out of my way. Could not find them. The tears would not stop. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see properly.
I had one aim, to make sure my sister was okay.
So many thoughts running through my mind, I thought of all the things that could have happened to her. I knew she was safe but I needed her in front of my eyes. I would have killed myself if anything had happened to her. She is my life. I started hitting myself for being so stupid, for not taking better care of her.
I walked around, looking for her face among the crowd. Catching eyes of strangers who could see the pain on my face.
There were moments I felt I would fall, but I couldn't, I had to keep looking.
Finally a text went through, but she wasn't picking up my calls. I told her to meet me by the bathrooms and waited there.
My friends came back to me. I felt guilty that I was ruining their night. I tried to calm down but I couldn't.
I was worried for her so much.
And yes, she was my responsibility as was one of her friends, but that wasn't what was bothering me. I needed to make sure she was okay, that she wasn't harmed in any way. I needed to be there to protect her and I wasn't. I let her down. I was miserable. It was horrible. Nothing else mattered.
We waited and waited. I was slowly giving up. I couldn't keep myself standing.
My legs gave way and I sat on the ground with hundreds of people around me. I prayed.
I am not a religious person. I am agnostic and feel that unless you can prove to me that there is a God I can't believe. But last night I prayed. I prayed that she was okay. I prayed that she would come back to me. I prayed that everything would be okay.
I sat on the ground and prayed. Faith is all I had in the end. I gave up. I had no hope. I knew going back in the crowd would have been futile. I know the phones weren't working. There was nothing else to do but wait. So I prayed. After last night I feel confused, for so long I believed there was no God. And then God helped me in my time of need. In the darkest moment of my entire life it was my faith that helped me.
A few minutes later my friend got through to my sister on the phone. I was able to hear her voice and I knew she was okay.
A new wave of tears. Relief. But I still needed her to be with me. In front of my eyes.
She finally found us there. At first I yelled at her. I was more angry at myself. But then I just held her and cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried so much that I fell back on the ground and cried some more.
The rest of the night I didn't let her out of my sight. Wherever she went I followed her. I held her hand every time we moved. I shielded her from the crowds and shoved away any one who got to close.
My sister is my life.
Losing her for even that amount of time was the scariest thing I have ever been through.
I love her so much that it scares me. If I ever lost her, I would not have a life, I wouldn't be able to live.
Some may say it was unreasonable and an over the top reaction, that she was with her friends and would have been safe.
My sister is everything to me. She is literally the only reason I am alive.
She is the one I think of every time I think that life isn't worth it. Every time I think about ending it all, she is the one who stops me and tells me to keep going.
Imagine losing the only thing that keeps you alive. And what you would do to find it and get it back.
I am so shaken by this entire experience. I am crying while writing this. I assume that people would normally look back and laugh at such a situation.
But I, I will always remember the pain and fear and desperation I felt. The tremors of this earthquake will never stop. Everyone says, it's all right now, you found her and she was not harmed. Everyone says to just be careful next time and to stop thinking about it.
I cannot. Everything may be all right now, but at that point it wasn't, it feels like that point has been burned into my brain. I keep thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong, the darkest timeline.
Last night, that one and half hour, was the darkest time of my whole existence. I have felt terrible before, I have been in a dark place where there is no hope. But last night was worse than all that. It was like someone had ripped my soul out of my body and was burning me alive.
I don't think I will ever be able to shake that memory out of my mind, or be able to turn it into something that isn't so horrible.
I prayed for my sister to be born, I wanted her to be brought into this world. I need her to always be okay, I need her to always be safe. She is everything to me.
I love her so much.
I went with my friends to check out the bar and the food stalls. After five minutes I ran back to tell her I would be back in fifteen and to stay where she is.
My friends and I looked around, got some drinks and went back to where I left her. The opening act had started and people had started forming a huge crowd.
I looked around and couldn't find her.
Panic overwhelmed me.
I burst into tears. I was sobbing like I had never sobbed before in my life. The only thing I could relate it to is the part in The Iliad when Achilles sobs after finding out that Patroclus is dead. I couldn't control myself. My friends were worried. I finished my drink, threw my glass down and pushed my way through the crowd.
There were so many humans, pushing against each other. Jumping up and down. I couldn't see her anywhere.
I came back out of the crowd. I went looking. I was in a daze, tears kept pouring down my contorted face. People stared and looked at me funny.
I took out my phone and tried calling her multiple times. There was no service. I called her friend's number, no luck. I kept sending texts hoping one would go through. All this while walking around crying and screaming out.
I ran into a friend, literally ran into him and he had to hold me up. I was crying so much, in a state of panic and anxiety. All I wanted was to find her. They all said it would be okay and that she would be fine but I didn't care, I couldn't deal with them so I asked them to leave me alone.
I went into the crowd four more times, I shoved, I screamed, I elbowed everyone out of my way. Could not find them. The tears would not stop. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see properly.
I had one aim, to make sure my sister was okay.
So many thoughts running through my mind, I thought of all the things that could have happened to her. I knew she was safe but I needed her in front of my eyes. I would have killed myself if anything had happened to her. She is my life. I started hitting myself for being so stupid, for not taking better care of her.
I walked around, looking for her face among the crowd. Catching eyes of strangers who could see the pain on my face.
There were moments I felt I would fall, but I couldn't, I had to keep looking.
Finally a text went through, but she wasn't picking up my calls. I told her to meet me by the bathrooms and waited there.
My friends came back to me. I felt guilty that I was ruining their night. I tried to calm down but I couldn't.
I was worried for her so much.
And yes, she was my responsibility as was one of her friends, but that wasn't what was bothering me. I needed to make sure she was okay, that she wasn't harmed in any way. I needed to be there to protect her and I wasn't. I let her down. I was miserable. It was horrible. Nothing else mattered.
We waited and waited. I was slowly giving up. I couldn't keep myself standing.
My legs gave way and I sat on the ground with hundreds of people around me. I prayed.
I am not a religious person. I am agnostic and feel that unless you can prove to me that there is a God I can't believe. But last night I prayed. I prayed that she was okay. I prayed that she would come back to me. I prayed that everything would be okay.
I sat on the ground and prayed. Faith is all I had in the end. I gave up. I had no hope. I knew going back in the crowd would have been futile. I know the phones weren't working. There was nothing else to do but wait. So I prayed. After last night I feel confused, for so long I believed there was no God. And then God helped me in my time of need. In the darkest moment of my entire life it was my faith that helped me.
A few minutes later my friend got through to my sister on the phone. I was able to hear her voice and I knew she was okay.
A new wave of tears. Relief. But I still needed her to be with me. In front of my eyes.
She finally found us there. At first I yelled at her. I was more angry at myself. But then I just held her and cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried so much that I fell back on the ground and cried some more.
The rest of the night I didn't let her out of my sight. Wherever she went I followed her. I held her hand every time we moved. I shielded her from the crowds and shoved away any one who got to close.
My sister is my life.
Losing her for even that amount of time was the scariest thing I have ever been through.
I love her so much that it scares me. If I ever lost her, I would not have a life, I wouldn't be able to live.
Some may say it was unreasonable and an over the top reaction, that she was with her friends and would have been safe.
My sister is everything to me. She is literally the only reason I am alive.
She is the one I think of every time I think that life isn't worth it. Every time I think about ending it all, she is the one who stops me and tells me to keep going.
Imagine losing the only thing that keeps you alive. And what you would do to find it and get it back.
I am so shaken by this entire experience. I am crying while writing this. I assume that people would normally look back and laugh at such a situation.
But I, I will always remember the pain and fear and desperation I felt. The tremors of this earthquake will never stop. Everyone says, it's all right now, you found her and she was not harmed. Everyone says to just be careful next time and to stop thinking about it.
I cannot. Everything may be all right now, but at that point it wasn't, it feels like that point has been burned into my brain. I keep thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong, the darkest timeline.
Last night, that one and half hour, was the darkest time of my whole existence. I have felt terrible before, I have been in a dark place where there is no hope. But last night was worse than all that. It was like someone had ripped my soul out of my body and was burning me alive.
I don't think I will ever be able to shake that memory out of my mind, or be able to turn it into something that isn't so horrible.
I prayed for my sister to be born, I wanted her to be brought into this world. I need her to always be okay, I need her to always be safe. She is everything to me.
I love her so much.
