Daughter.

To the daughter I hope will never be born,

The daughter I never want to bring into this world.

The daughter who is better off as just an idea.

The daughter who I have always dreamed of

But would never want to conceive.

Why not a daughter?

What if you have a daughter?

What’s wrong with having a girl?

Are you a sexist?

Do you hate your own gender so much?

Would you bring a daughter into this world?

Would you want your little princess to grow up,

Eyes lurking at every corner,

Catcalls no matter what she wears,

Heart racing after dark,

Always wary.

Would you want to bring her up,

Protecting her as much as you can

Years and years of diligence,

Always warning her to be careful

To never let the old uncles get too close

To never open herself up to the wrong boy

Lest he take away her innocence

A little too soon.

To have a daughter

Would mean to raise her as a warrior

To arm her with weapons

To teach her to always keep her guard up

To train her to always be suspicious,

To finally let go and set her free

To allow her to see the world,

To cry when she comes back

And whispers to you
“He touched me…there.”

To have a daughter is to see yourself,

With those shining bright eyes

And the same pain you felt

All those years ago

When you told your mother…

“He touched me…there.”

To the daughter I hope will never be born,

I only wish I could make this world

A little better,

A little less frightening.

So you can be born

Because you would be

The most beautiful daughter.

And I could never bear

My beautiful daughter

Being defiled,

The way I was.

I could never bear

The lewd stares

Shifting from my body

To yours.

I could never bear

Watching my little baby

Growing up with

A scarred heart.

To the daughter who I hope will never be born,

This is the only way I know to save you.

Connections and the such.

Everyone on this planet is connected to another human being, no matter how hard you try to isolate yourself, no matter how ostracized you are, we are connected to another human being. Be it your family, your mother, your friends, your colleagues, your fellow hermits, we are intricately connected. The loneliest human on earth is still connected to at least one other person. Now these connections can run thick, they say blood is the thickest, or they could be superficial. Even the lack of a visible connection is still a connection. Humans are apparently "social animals" we are conditioned to yearn for a family and friends and we feel lonely and empty without people around us.

So caught up in trying to make and maintain these connections with others that we often times lose our connection with ourselves. But there are an abundance of self-help guides and books to help us with that nowadays. These guides and books and groups that help us understand ourselves, its funny isn't it, someone else helping us connect with our own self. So much interdependence, using each other as crutches, one falls and the rest come tumbling down. I suppose in reality we are far more communal than we realize. Maybe that is why capitalism isn't working out to well for us, every man for himself doesn't work if man can't be by himself. Even Adam needed an Eve.

Are we scared? Are we frightened that we won't be able to function on our own? We have internalized our socialization so well that being alone has become one of the greatest fears of the human population. People do anything to find someone they can be with, and if someone is alone they have to learn to be alone through great efforts else they slowly drift into depression and the likes.

Some people might argue and say "I can be alone, I don't need other people." And there are people who can truly be alone, they go up to the mountains and meditate for days and weeks. They are exceptions, they are the ones who Nietzsche extols when he talks about the ascetic ideals. But most people, they are unable to stay with just themselves, they need entertainment, they need company, they need to occupy their mind so that they don't feel the loneliness.

This is no way a criticism, just an observation. Maybe we weren't created to be alone, maybe becoming so dependent on each other was a part of our evolution. It definitely became a part of our socialization.

Just a mid-year ramble, I'll try to be back sooner next time, but don't count on it. 

1.2015.

One month and two days into and this year has already proven that life is crazy. The first day itself was just a whirlwind of activity. Complete and utter madness spilling over till noon. 

My revelations and deliberations. Life. Love. The connections I have made. The reconnections I have made. 

The way your stomach drops when you find out that someone you love has a war inside of them. A war they may not win. But you help them. You fight with them. I've experienced that. 

I've witnessed promises made between a woman and a man. 

I've seen someone I love fall in love with someone who may not love them. 

I've seen youth take on a maturity that overwhelms my own. I've seen a man dedicated to his wife. I have realised the importance of the relationships I have and have had in my life. 

The importance of being positive and not allowing the dark clouds to infiltrate my mind. 

They say your soulmate doesn't always have to be a romantic partner. And I agree. My soulmate is my partner in crime. My best friend. 

They say you don't have only one soulmate. There is more than one whole orange out there. I've found three. Maybe a fourth. My anchor, my moon and my music. 

I've let go. Let go of my anger. My misery. What happened was terrible and it shouldn't have happened. But now it's time to move on. 

I want to say something about academics but I haven't been attending college much. Just been living life. I am excited for my masters. And the brilliant course I've found. 

I've experienced the absurdity of life. The most amazing connection in the most inconvenient manner. But the beauty of it. The fact that these connections can transcend the real and can take us to a different realm altogether. 

The inability to fall sleep and the anger generated in a single body. A rage that can tear people apart lest it be tamed. A day of pure white rage, shut down by a single sentence. 

Blessed by the strength and incredible beauty of one of the more awe-inspiring women I have ever had the pleasure to meet. The woman who carried me in her womb is so much more than I ever realised. 

I have seen a man’s devotion, a love that had never truly surfaced, until now. I have seen them show their affection and the diligence he has to make sure she is comfortable.

Connections have broken, fights have ensued. Harsh words and silent stares.

But I realized that in the end, you need to just live. Take matters into your own hand. Because you are the one who has been through it all, every single second, you have been there. There may be others who have supported you, but you are the only one who has been with yourself through it all. You are born with yourself and die with yourself. You are your own. 

Even if nothing happens the rest of the year the past 33 days have been enough for a lifetime.