A Promise

Her head is buzzing and her body is tingling. She feels a pleasant warm sensation in the pit of her stomach, and she knows she’s hit her good state. She places her cup on the table and pulls one of her friends off the sofa to the designated dance floor. This intimate little party is exactly what she needed, some of her closest friends around her, good music and yummy snacks. She sways to the music and turns around to find a group of boys entering the room. She scrutinizes each one ad finally her eyes land on one particular boy. She stares at him, unaware that everyone can see she her eyes linger on him. She finds him attractive, but doesn’t feel like acting on it. Tonight she concentrates on the music, at least that’s what she tells herself then.

Still moving to the music, she walks into another room and takes out her goodies. She finds something missing and tried to make do without it. One by one a few people walk in to see what she’s up to, strangers she hasn’t met before. She greets each one with a polite smile and asks them to join her.  Then he walks in with exactly what she is looking for. Without thinking the first words she says to him are “I don’t even know you, but I think I love you.” They laugh it off, and think nothing of it. They all leave the room and the night progresses.

She stays with her friends and he stays with his. She moves her body on the dance floor and he sits comfortably on one of the sofas. Finally she takes a break and sits down a few seats from him, completely unaware of his presence, just enjoying herself. Suddenly a song starts playing, something her ears didn’t expect to hear tonight. Being in the state she was in with no inhibitions to stop her, she gets up and runs to the source, only to find it was him. Instantly a smile lights up her face and she tells him “I love this song!” And this is how their friendship begins.

One song after another they share their souls with each other, blissfully oblivious of the others around them. Laughing and talking, she doesn’t want him to leave and makes him promise that he won’t. The hours creep by them and slowly people say their goodbyes get in their cars and drive home to their irritated parents, but he stays, he sticks to his promise.  With each minute she feels more deeply for him, their connection grows stronger. It all seems like a fairy tale beginning to a new year and she is surprised she has such a strong grasp on the situation, any other day and she would have felt it was just a dream. But it all feels so real to her. Finally with dawn threatening to break they realize they must end their night, and with their first hug they depart. She breathes in the scent of his skin and wishes she could escape into the new year with him, but knows that she is being naïve even thinking so. As she watches him walk into his car, she knows that it may be the end of the night but it is merely the beginning of something incredible. 

Sister

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.” 
― Barbara Alpert


She came to me at night, 
Asking to sleep by me,
She feels scared,
The change is too much for her to handle.
I make a face and force her away.
Her mouth turns into a frown and she walks away. 
A few minutes pass, 
And I realize that I caused her pain.
I walk to her room,
The moonlight falls on her pale face.
A single tear trickles down my cheek
I think of when she was just one.
How she has grown up now.
She has always been there, 
To laugh with, to cry with, to fight with, to irritate.
To exchange stories with in the middle of the night.
Life without her would be incomplete.
I can't live without her.
I lay down next to her and hold her small hand in mine, 
Whisper the words 'I Love You' in her ears, 
And watch her fall into a deep slumber.
My little sister is one person I would never be able to live without.

She - Simplicity

Simplicity.

She wakes up every morning to sloppy kisses reminding her that it is time to go outside. She talks as she puts on her shoes and wears her jacket, all the while her friend listens patiently. As she reaches for the leash, her friend bursts with excitement, putting a smile on her face every morning. Her friend doesn’t ask for much, just some food, shelter and a few walks every day, in return her friend gives her a lot of love, the kind of love that can only be understood between them. Her friend is a sweet and simple soul, enjoys eating and sleeping, lounging in the sun. She wishes desperately she could lead her life the way her friend does. She is always greeted with enthusiasm as if she had gone on a long voyage. She can divulge all her secrets to her friends and knows that she will never be betrayed. On stormy nights when she can’t sleep they stay up together, watching the rain fall outside the window, listening to the distant rumbles. When she cries and has no one to go to, her friend always sits by her side, giving her all the comfort she needs. Her friend is the best friend she could ever have.

She - Perpetual

Perpetual.

She is tired but can’t fall asleep. She has been in this situation one too many times and is quite familiar with what comes next and yet she still fights the urge to retire for the day. Her eyes are sore just waiting to close and she has so many ideas running through her mind. She can't think of closing her eyes for a second, because she knows the thoughts will continue to scream at her in her brain. So many things she has to say, has to do, has to think, there is no time to just stop and sleep. The gears need to be in perpetual motion there is no other way she can complete all that she must. She knows this and accepts it, she is tough and will make it through. Deadlines loom menacingly close and she must work her nimble fingers to the bone, typing endless pages of words that seem to make no sense to her, solving, what seems to be an infinite number of problems. Every time she has to stop and there is a disruption in her flow of words she scolds herself for dillydallying. She pushes and pushes, but the instant she realizes that what she produces isn’t quality she knows it is time to stop. She must put her gadgets away, relax her mind and take a deep breath. Sometimes it's better to just stop. 

Issues and tissues

The problem with writing is, when people who know you read it, they assume that everything you write is about you. But it's not, a lot of it is fiction. And I need everyone to know that. 

She - Undiluted

Undiluted

She opens her eyes to another sweaty summer day, unwilling to get out of bed, wishing she could just stay in bed. Slowly she crawls out of bed, brushes her teeth and goes through the motions of a regular day. Just as she reaches for her laptop she gets a phone call from an old friend. She wonders why he would call her today of all days. She answers the call enthusiastically, only to be met with a solemn tone. A tone that is used only for specific events, and the instant she heard his voice she knew that something was very wrong. There was a long pause and then the words reached her ears, he died. Suddenly all her senses went blank, her ears were pounding and she couldn’t hear anything. Her sight was blurred and all she could see was darkness. Her mouth went dry and it became hard to breathe. Everything was crashing down on her. A tear rolled down her face and the flood gates opened. The phone fell out of her hand and she started heaving and sobbing simultaneously. All her memories of him were flashing back to her, every moment she had ever spent with him. From the first time she said hi, to the last time they discussed an exam together. She didn’t know him all that well, but well enough. She recalled all the times they had argued, and the times they listened to their favourite music together. It all seemed so unfair, that someone like him would meet such a fate. He was so young and had so much more to see and do. She had never experienced anything like this, this feeling of absolute undiluted sadness. After the tears subsided and she regained control, the only thought in her mind was of him somewhere in the universe, enjoying himself, away from the awfulness of the world. But deep in her mind she couldn’t let go of the fact that it was completely unreasonable, according to her it wasn’t time for him to leave.

She - Connections

Connections

Her eyes sting as she brushes away the hot fat tears streaming down her cheeks. She sits reminiscing about the days when she was always surrounded by those special people. She recalls the endless conversations and the late nights, how they would sit with the pretense to study but instead end up laughing into the wee hours of the night.She could share anything with them and knew they would not think less of her. She respected them and watched them grow as individuals while they helped her grow. Two years have passed and so much has changed. She is now in a world where she sits alone all day, waiting for something to happen. The highlight of her days being a walk down to the store. Surrounded by people constantly moving, never have a moment to spare. People who say they care but in reality are silently judging her every move, and she knows. How can she even consider living in such a world? It may be childish of her, and she might just need to accept it, but she’d rather hold on to the belief that there are people out there who care. People like those select few who used to care so much, and still do. She knows that they are just a phone call away, but sometimes that is just not enough. All these thoughts run through her mind and suddenly her phone lights up, it is one of them. And all of her sudden a smile creeps on her face and she knows everything will be alright; she still has them by her side. Their connection runs deeper than blood; they are connected by their souls.

She - Wondering

Wondering

She lies on her bed, listening to music, wishing life was different. She closes her eyes and wonders what would her perfect world be like? It would be a world where her parents didn’t fight; they would actually love each other and understand each other. Where they accept each other’s flaw and work as a team, instead of against each other. It would be a world where she isn’t afraid to be who she is, she is free, and has so inhibitions. She needn’t worry about looks, status or any of those silly superficial worries that exist in reality. She can be true to herself without being shunned, and coexist peacefully with others. It would be a world where she would have someone who loves her for who she is inside and out. He would promise that he will stay and then keep the promise; he would treat her like a princess and never take advantage of her. In her perfect world she would never feel despair or depression. No life is complete without sadness, she knows, but in her perfect world the sadness will not consume her. In her perfect world she would do whatever she wants and no one would ever judge her. Everyone welcomes differences with open arms instead of guns and war. If only her perfect world existed. She opens her eyes and snaps back to reality. 

She - Hiding

Hiding.

If only she didn’t have to play this game every time she went there. Put on a fake smile, use a sweet voice and respect him. The worst part is having to respect him, how can she respect a man who has crossed so man moral boundaries. She must pretend that nothing ever happened and that the past was not a part of reality. Every time she sets out to meet him, she tries to forget it, push the thoughts in to the deepest, darkest corners of her thought. But the instant she sees his face she is transported, back to when it all took place, back to when she had no idea what was happening to her. Despite it being years ago she remembers it clearly, as if it was yesterday. Her memories play back to her like a silent film, she felt as if she was being forced to watch it, again and again.


She remembers feeling uneasy, but not questioning it. She was supposed to trust him, and never disobey him, she had been taught to never question her elders, their word was law. He told her it would be their little secret, and threatened her with severe consequences if she ever uttered a word. Obviously she had no choice but to keep it to herself, what else is a 5 year old child to do? Every year when her family would visit she would go through it, she started dreading the trips to her motherland, and would try and avoid being alone with him when staying at his house. But he always managed to pull her aside, whether it be with the pretense of giving her a chocolate or by saying she wanted to spend time with his eldest grandchild. He would take her into his room and no one would suspect a thing. She would have to listen to him, because if she objected he would call her a silly little girl and chastise her for no trusting him. She endured for years without saying a word, it killed her inside and as she grew older she realized what he was doing to her. 


It was only when she realized he might start doing the same to someone dear to her. Someone who was still as innocent as she was when he started with her. She knew it was time to speak out, for the sake of the other girl. She was too scared and didn't want the other girl to live with the same pain. If she didn't stop it before it started, she might as well have been committing the act herself. And so she confided in someone, and she expected him to be punished. However, instead of being drawn out into the open, it was just shoved under the rug. It had stopped but only because she stopped listening to him. At first when she told someone she thought she would feel relieved, and she did for a short while.  She thought she would never have to see his face again, that finally she wouldn’t have to go through it. Little did she know that she would have to continue reliving it for years. Continue feeling vulnerable and exposed. But at least no one else had to go through it. The only thing she can do is keep hiding.

She - Them

Them

Her throat is hoarse and her eyes are damp and itchy. She is tired of screaming and not being heard. They will never understand what she is trying to say, who she is trying to be. She just wants to be herself but she doesn’t know how and they aren’t helping her. She can’t believe she is actually a part of them, that their blood runs through her veins. How can she be made from these two completely different individuals? It seems impossible that she is related to them, because whatever she says makes no sense to them and whatever they say makes no sense to her. They live in a bubble of anger, distrust and disappointment. She would do anything, if only they tried to comprehend what she wants to express. It’s not that she doesn't love them or they don’t love her. The love is there, but that is the only thing that is there, the rest just doesn’t make sense. How can these three individuals possibly coexist under the same roof in such close proximity? If they want to help her they should support her and allow her to be her own person, instead of ruling every action she takes and then claiming that they have let her do what she wants. She has lived her life worried that anything she will do, will be wrong, will not be good enough. And the one time she made a decision for herself they don’t understand it. Because society says that the decision she has made is stupid and reckless. But she did it for her survival; she did it so that her soul would stay intact. Had she stayed and continued to live in fear of society, in fear of them, she would have been completed devastated. She would not remain, not even a shadow of her. They tell her to work on fixing herself. But this is just how she is.

She - Warmth

Warmth

She feels a curious sensation in her stomach, not nausea, but a pleasant tickling. A feeling she has never experienced before. Something similar to how she feels when she's on a roller coaster. She feels warm and gooey inside, like one of the chocolate chip cookies her mother makes, fresh out of the oven. And a rush of blood goes to her head. Her palms sweat uncontrollably and she can't think straight.

She feels this every time she sees him or hears his voice. She doesn’t know what it is but she is enjoying it. She tries to catch glimpses of him from the side of her eye whenever possible. Hoping to catch his eye, but to scared to look right at him. Just knowing that he is present on this earth makes her smile; she wonders how such a creature could have this kind of effect on her. Isn’t she supposed to be repulsed by his gender? She can’t let anyone know of this feeling she has for him, it will be her little secret. She imagines what his skin smells like. What his hair feels like and what is going through his mind right now. Part of her wants to be next to him whenever possible and the other part of her just wants to observe him from a comfortable distance. She can’t get him out of her mind, but she is okay with that, she likes him there. 

She - Time

Time

She stares at the creases in her hands, the many intricate lines, crisscrossing and weaving a pattern so complex and difficult to untangle. Each line has grown with her over time, seen what she has seen. Each line tells a special story, a story she can't even begin to understand, let alone explain. The patterns are unique and seem like a mystery to her, just waiting to be solved. She wonders how her hands have become so detailed over time, how with life, the lines on her hands have become more complicated. 

She notices how coarse her palms have become. They used to be so soft and so curious, touching and exploring the world around her. Holding on to whatever she could grab. Now she moves through life going through the motions, not stopping just doing what she is expected to, she has become tough and needs to be in a world like this. She would always question “What is this?” "Why is this?" When did she stop asking and just start accepting? Accepting things, ideas, actions, the way of life; she started living her life without asking herself if it was right or wrong, without considering that fact that it may not be the path for her. She stares at the creases in her hands and wonders what stories the lines would tell the world if they could speak. What she has gone through, what she will go through. Just like the bark of a tree, her hands will continue to grow hard and scarred. 

She - Secrets

Secrets

The dark night surrounds her, stars winking at her, telling her they’ll keep her secret. The leaves rustle with the slight breeze and a shiver runs down her spine. She sparks a match and lights the cigarette placed between her chapped lips. The first drag is always the lightest. She inhales the toxic air and feels all the release. Her body relaxes and her mind turns sluggish. In that one moment she forgets everything, the only thing on her mind is this pleasure she feels. She glances from the side of her eyes, making sure that no one is coming to disturb her moment of solitude. As she sits there, enjoying this terrible piece of candy, she takes in her surroundings. 

This great big world waiting for her to make it hers, just waiting for her to work her magic. And with each thought the ashes fall to the ground, slowly finishing, she knows this wonderful feeling won’t last forever. This is just a momentary escape. She tries to make it last longer, but she knows no matter how hard she tries it will end. She listens to the sounds of the night, a lone car crawling through the dark, dogs wailing looking for their mates. Almost everyone has retired to their beds, deep in slumber, recharging their bodies for another day. Their souls restless, wanting to break free from this monotony. She wonders who sits with their lights still on. Perhaps there are others like her, contemplating what to do with their lives. One hundred years is a long time, how could they possibly make each day memorable. What can they achieve in the one hundred years they have been given. She puts her cigarette out and doesn’t feel like moving, if only she could just stay in this one moment. This one moment where she feels nothing, nothing bad, nothing good, she just knows her heart is beating. This state of pure existence, simple meditation. 

An outsider's view.

That woman you see walking on the street

Her burden is more than just what you see her carry

She must brace the cold harsh winters

And survive the gruelling heat

While she tends to the cattle

She must feed her children

The strong scent of sweat and cow dung encase her

By the end of the day

A layer of dust sheathes her body

Every morning

She wakes before the birds

Cleans herself of yesterday’s grit

Runs a comb through her ink black tresses

Laces her hair with jasmine flowers

Says her daily prayers

Then she must help her husband with the crop

He thanks her in the evening

By coming home intoxicated

She must muffle her cries while she is beaten

To protect her innocent children from the truth

At nights she cannot sleep

Her body is exhausted

But her mind keeps working

The floor absorbs her silent tears

The only comfort she has

Is the promise of another day

She pulls through hoping

That with the sun

Will come a new era

A new dawn

That will bring change

That woman you see on the street has a story

You can see it,

In the wrinkles on her face

The roughness of her hands

The slight gleem in her eyes

You just have to look deep

And you will see

That the woman on the street isn’t ordinary

She is extraordinary.

She - Disintegrating

Disintegrating

She sits on the curb clutching her heart in her hand, losing grip on the pieces that are left over, wondering if it’s worth anything anymore. Should she even consider giving it away one more time? Give it away to someone she thinks will help mend it. Only to realize that once again, it will be torn to pieces and left in a state where even its owner cannot recognize it. She will once again, spend endless nights cursing herself and regretting the fact that she trusted someone else with something that belongs solely to her. Who will even want such a tattered heart, full of scars and completely disfigured. 

But even if she did allow someone else to hold it, she knows that when it’s finally time to pick up the pieces, she won’t. She feels weary and wonders if there is any point of going through the shreds again. Once anything has been broken so many times is there any reason behind keeping it alive. You can fix something only so many times, after a while it isn’t the same anymore, it stops working. So she sits and stares at the remains she holds in her hand. She watches as the wind sweeps away the shards of what were left. She feels the void but she is indifferent to the hollowness that she experiences. The vicious cycle is severed. Nothing left to give away. Nothing left to fix. There is just the empty shell, burnt out headlights and a blank expression. She witnesses her slow disintegration into the one thing she never wanted to be, heartless. 

She - Beginning

Beginning

It is the first moment she is truly conscious, it is as if she has opened her eyes after a long, deep slumber. It is a strange feeling, but she feels refreshed. She now has the ability to think, and the first thing she notices with this power is the steady beating she hears. That sound resonates inside her, the strong, unwavering beat. The sound brings her a sense of peace and even though there is darkness around her she feels the warm glow of light. Then she notices the fact that she can think, her first question to herself is “Who am I?” She cannot come up with an answer, but that doesn’t bother her in the least. She has too many other thoughts to come up with. She will get her answer to that question in time.

Does she know that this very question will haunt her, her entire life? It will become the driving force of everything she does. She will always be looking for an answer to satisfy her thirst. Does she know that as she grows and matures, she will experience different things that will change who she is? If only she had satisfied herself with some answer, any answer is better than none. But at that point in time, she has no clue of what awaits and is blissfully unaware of what she has done to herself. She allows the beating to carry her back to sleep, she knows she is safe. She can sense it. And so starts her life. Whether she is ready to live it or not, it has begun. 

Silence

Silence fills the air
And the pin drops
It drops to the floor
That instance he gets up
Off the chair
He takes two strides
Towards the door
He tries to open it
It doesn’t budge
He tries harder
He is stuck
He screams out
But the sound
It doesn’t escape him
He feels uneasy
The silence is unnerving
He sits again
Then it starts
The darkness creeps
Inching towards him
Engulfing him
Along with the silence
He is slowly taken
Away to the other side
Where they all stay
Where they all go
He half-heartedly shrugs
And accepts his fate
He is gone
All that is left is the silence.

Bullion Fields

The scent of spring air fills her nose

She makes her way, hurrying

Through the multitudinous fields

The yellow flowers billowing

The light of the sun shimmering

Each stalk drenched in a rich gold

She stops to stare at the beauty.

She is overwhelm and awestruck

By the natural radiance

Brilliance permeates her thoughts

The field mocks the bright, intense sun

Shamelessly they will slash it down

Nature’s incredible marvel

Nothing can match its perfection

She is stuck admiring it

Thousands of miniscule petals

Collaborate to form a sea

An ocean that feeds so many mouths

But no beauty lasts forever

Only for one blessed season

And then they will wither away

Ready to be harvested and cut

Words cannot do the sight justice

For you must witness it, like she

And be in awe of the wonder 

She - Exhausted

Exhausted

She stands among a crowd of mannequins. Each one staring at her blankly, surrounding her with their blatant judgment. Her pulse is racing; her heart is pumping against her chest. Sweat drips down her hands and her knees grow weak. She feels another presence in the room. What has elicited such strong physical response from her? Who could bring about this intense reaction? Her Prince Charming, perhaps?


 A dark clothed figure approaches her. His face is hidden in the shadows, his breath reeks of blood. He comes close to her and whispers in her ears. He is merely inches away from her skin and she can feel herself decaying. She stands there in front of him, still as can be, but not out of fear. She is ready to fall prey to this creature; she is willing to give herself up. She has no intentions of fighting, she knows this day comes for all.

But he is merely taunting her, he never planned to make the kill, he was flirting with her. He wanted to show her how ugly he can be. He comes so close and then vanishes. Forcing her to return to the state she was in before.  Return to the condemnatory stares and the hollow existence that swallows her whole. This seems unfair, she is ready for it to take her, why force her to be where she doesn't want to be. She slowly falls to the floor, turning into a crumpled pile of limbs. If she had even the slightest bit of energy she would be in an absolute frenzy, but the exhaustion takes over her. 

And so it begins.

Ahhhh.
*Runs around in excitement*
HI
=D

She - Trapped

Trapped.

She sits on her throne in the middle of her cage. Stark white walls surround her on all four sides, there is no way for her to get out, and the room encases her in her own private hell. The slight ticking of a clock mimics the beat of her withering heart. She is glued to her thoughts, obsessed and completely consumed. She lives in a daze of emotions, each tumbling over each other like trees in a hurricane. She has no idea what is happening around her, what is happening in her mind. Her entire world has turned upside down, and she can’t seem to make it okay. Is it all in her head, or is this her reality? Surrounded by these thoughts, these thoughts that destroy her with every breath she takes. Slowly she deteriorates into the very monsters that haunt her, and she turns into one of the weaklings that she despises. 

She looks in the mirror across the room and she doesn't see anything, it is an empty reflection. Not even a fragment of the human she was still remains. She has deprived herself of the hope that things may get better. That she may get better. She has abandoned her faith and no longer believes. She has no way to release herself from the misery she puts herself through, it is all within her and yet the pain feels external, the pressure weighs her down, she feels as if she is being buried alive. 

With each passing second her ghosts inch closer, snickering at her, their presence cause her skin to prickle and makes her feel queasy. She can’t take the offensive. She is submissive and allows them to rule her because she has no way to fight these demons she has created. They are her creation and she doesn't know how to destroy them, they are out of control and she is merely their puppet. There is no choice but to listen to the words they whisper into her ears. The words that incite the emotions she has been trying to suppress but to no avail. The very words she has told herself through the years, every day of her life. She wants to scream out, but no sound escapes her body. And that is it; she is stuck in this state for all of eternity. She will be stuck in the same place, forever. While all she can think of is someday, but someday is a lie, because someday means never.