Hiding.
If
only she didn’t have to play this game every time she went there. Put on a fake
smile, use a sweet voice and respect him. The worst part is having to respect him, how can she respect a man who has crossed so man moral boundaries. She must pretend that nothing ever happened and that the past was not a part of reality. Every time she sets out to meet him, she tries to forget it, push the thoughts in to the deepest, darkest corners of her thought. But the instant she sees his face she is transported, back to when it all took place, back to when she had no idea what was happening to her. Despite it being years ago she remembers it clearly, as if it was yesterday. Her memories play back to her like a silent film, she felt as if she was being forced to watch it, again and again.
She remembers feeling uneasy, but not questioning it. She was supposed to trust him, and never disobey him, she had been taught to never question her elders, their word was law. He told her it would be their little secret, and threatened her with severe consequences if she ever uttered a word. Obviously she had no choice but to keep it to herself, what else is a 5 year old child to do? Every year when her family would visit she would go through it, she started dreading the trips to her motherland, and would try and avoid being alone with him when staying at his house. But he always managed to pull her aside, whether it be with the pretense of giving her a chocolate or by saying she wanted to spend time with his eldest grandchild. He would take her into his room and no one would suspect a thing. She would have to listen to him, because if she objected he would call her a silly little girl and chastise her for no trusting him. She endured for years without saying a word, it killed her inside and as she grew older she realized what he was doing to her.
It was only when she realized he might start doing the same to someone dear to her. Someone who was still as innocent as she was when he started with her. She knew it was time to speak out, for the sake of the other girl. She was too scared and didn't want the other girl to live with the same pain. If she didn't stop it before it started, she might as well have been committing the act herself. And so she confided in someone, and she expected him to be punished. However, instead of being drawn out into the open, it was just shoved under the rug. It had stopped but only because she stopped listening to him. At first when she told someone she thought she would feel relieved, and she did for a short while. She thought she would never have to see his face again, that finally she wouldn’t have to go through it. Little did she know that she would have to continue reliving it for years. Continue feeling vulnerable and exposed. But at least no one else had to go through it. The only thing she can do is keep hiding.
She remembers feeling uneasy, but not questioning it. She was supposed to trust him, and never disobey him, she had been taught to never question her elders, their word was law. He told her it would be their little secret, and threatened her with severe consequences if she ever uttered a word. Obviously she had no choice but to keep it to herself, what else is a 5 year old child to do? Every year when her family would visit she would go through it, she started dreading the trips to her motherland, and would try and avoid being alone with him when staying at his house. But he always managed to pull her aside, whether it be with the pretense of giving her a chocolate or by saying she wanted to spend time with his eldest grandchild. He would take her into his room and no one would suspect a thing. She would have to listen to him, because if she objected he would call her a silly little girl and chastise her for no trusting him. She endured for years without saying a word, it killed her inside and as she grew older she realized what he was doing to her.
It was only when she realized he might start doing the same to someone dear to her. Someone who was still as innocent as she was when he started with her. She knew it was time to speak out, for the sake of the other girl. She was too scared and didn't want the other girl to live with the same pain. If she didn't stop it before it started, she might as well have been committing the act herself. And so she confided in someone, and she expected him to be punished. However, instead of being drawn out into the open, it was just shoved under the rug. It had stopped but only because she stopped listening to him. At first when she told someone she thought she would feel relieved, and she did for a short while. She thought she would never have to see his face again, that finally she wouldn’t have to go through it. Little did she know that she would have to continue reliving it for years. Continue feeling vulnerable and exposed. But at least no one else had to go through it. The only thing she can do is keep hiding.
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